Modern life er problems
by Blade Angolis
Summary: Kain and Raziel have moved to New Zealand to start a new life why don't we see how it plays out


This is just a test to see how well I can turn my ideas into words by using one of my favourite game series, so be as cruel or as kind as you want. If I get a few good reviews I'll try to write another chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Raziel or any of the Soul Reaver characters or weapons.

Warning: contains swearing, religious references and smartass comments. Read at own risk.

Modern life er….. problems

"It's a shit hole"

"It's not that bad"

"It's a shit hole"

"It just needs to be cleaned up a bit"

"It's a fucking shit hole"

"You told me to buy the cheapest one!"

"I meant buy the cheapest "HOUSE" not a building unworthy of a hobo pissing in"

"Well it's too late now Raziel unless you want to live with the Oracle and lick your own ass everyday".

The being known as Raziel pulled the finger at his comrade which is quite an achievement if you only have three claws for fingers. He was beginning to hate "life" right now and wished he was back in the soul reaver even if it did mean missing out on fucking Kain off. Yes for some weird reason Raziel had decided to live with Kain, what's even stranger is that they decided to move to New Zealand (even I can't work that one out and I made this story). Some how Kain got Raziel out of his little predicament with the soul reaver so he could have a free house maid (or so he said).

"Fine what's the rent Kain?"

"10 a week"

"Well that shouldn't be hard for you to pay once you get a job"

"Excuse me Raziel what makes you think I'm the one that'll be working?"

"What the hell can I do looking like this? Be a clown or something at a spoilt little goth kids birthday party HA if I still had balls I'd rather rip them off with a monkey wrench put them in a blender and drink them as a protein shake"

"I ask the same question Raziel"

"You used to disguise yourself as a human all the time so why not use that skill again to get a job?"

"How the hell did you find out about my disguise ability Raziel? It was Ariel wasn't it?"

"Holy fuck there are still some live membranes in that rotting thing you call a head Kain?"

Kain ignored that last comment he was to busy thinking about Raziel and Ariel, he didn't like it they were getting a little too cozy with one another.

"Hey asshole"

"What is it now Raziel?"

"We have visitors"

"Bugger it. My disguise had better still work"

It took a fair bit of concentration for Kain to take the form of a human but it worked. Kain opened the door and had to restrain himself from turning into a bat, his visitors were to his horror, CHRISTIANS! He was already starting to burn cause of the aura emanating form their crucifixes, he'd better get them to leave and quickly.

"Um sorry I'm not int-t-terested in being chr-christian" Kain barely stammered and slammed the door.

"Have fun?" Raziel asked with a sarcastic tone.

"Just shut up or I'll get the reaver."

There was another knock at the door followed by a voice, "Would you like become a Jehovah's witness?"

"For fuck sake just leave me alone!" Yelled a despaired Kain. He was going to need a job to avoid these weirdo's.

"Raziel do you know how to set up that brick thingy we got with the house?"

"You mean the computer Kain? And yes I can"

"Is that what it's called? And how do you know that?"

"You learn a lot of things when you're sneaking around looking for souls"

"Whatever. Just set it up. I'm going to look for a job with it, the newspapers outside and I don't trust those religious pricks"

After a few minutes of watching Raziel fumble with the plugs the computer was plugged in and operational. Raziel then had to teach Kain how to use the internet and in Raziels opinion it would've been easier to teach an infant not to mention less noisy.

Finally both beings were searching the internet for job ads, after about 3 hours they found one for the local butcher.

"This is a good one Kain"

"But it pays less than any of the other jobs"

"Maybe so but with this job you can suck the blood from the raw meat instead of people, that will keep our profile down and it's only 10 minutes walk from here"

"Fuck walking I'll travel by mist"

"Fine but make sure NO ONE sees you"

"I'm not a fucking child Raziel"

"Well you act like one most times fuckwit"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW RAZIEL OR I'LL IMPALE YOU AND I'LL FUCKING ENJOY IT!"

Someone knocked on the door Kain answered the door to find more bloody Christians except these ones had disapproving looks on their faces.

"Good evening sir where sorry to disturb you and your partner but we were wondering if you considered joining us and rethinking some of your decisions?"

"What decisions? I haven't made any… wait a minute you think I'm... with…GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY!"

Raziel who had been lurking in the shadows next to the door started to piss him self laughing when Kain had slammed the door and nearly sent it across the street.

"That was your fault you know"

"I wasn't the one screaming my head off like a little baby was I genocide?"

"You still haven't gotten over me wiping out your clan have you?"

"What do you think?"

"I'm going to sleep I'll see you in the morning"

After about eight hours Kain arose from his bed (yes a bed. Not a coffin. A bed) walked into the kitchen and found some clothes in a heap on the floor

"What are those Raziel?"

"Some clothes idiot"

"Raziel why do I need more clothes when I'm already wearing some?"

"Because Kain no one wears anything like that anymore and come to think of it those leather pants were probably half the reason those Christians thought you were gay"

After that comment Raziel was forced to stay in the spectral realm for two reasons one was that the look on Kains face meant certain death for Raziel if Kain got the Reaver blade the second was he feared Kain might actually be gay and catch him off guard, of course being in the spectral realm meant that Raziel had to put up with the Oracles belly aching but he'd take a head ache to certain death any day. Meanwhile back in the material realm Kain decided to wear the clothes Raziel managed to acquire so he could fit in more with the food (or in our case humans) they fitted quite well now to go to the butchers and apply for that job Kain turned into mist and went on a journey to find the butchers.

Meanwhile in the spectral realm

"SLAVE GET ME ANOTHER SOUL"

"Get fucked you oversized piece of shit"

"Raziel don't make me trap you down here again"

"While your patience may be eternal Oracle I don't think the distance you could travel to get me is"

"If this couch wasn't so comfy Raziel I would be walking over to you right now"

"Waddling is more like it your wider than 3 tanks"

"I give up all this fighting is making me hungry"

"Get your own food I need some morphine"

And with that Raziel materialized, stole some morphine from the hospital (I'd like you all to take a moment for poor poor Charlie who couldn't get an operation because of Raziels actions) and snuck home hoping Kain wasn't there. After getting doped up to the eyeballs Raziel no longer had a headache (or the ability to think) so he lounged around the house shooting telekinetic balls at passers by and when that got boring he surfed the web, after about an hour Kain arrived home covered in cow blood and a finger missing (it'd grow back by tomorrow) and looking quite pleased with himself

"I take it you got the job"

"Naturally Raziel"

Now although Raziel knew that to stay in the house Kain needed to work Raziel also knew that Kain would rub this in every chance he got which meant it'd be a long eternity at least for Raziel.


End file.
